I believe my father would
be proud, clap and dance, as I a couple of days ago took of my nose-ring. I
would hate it, and probably kept it a bit longer just to spite him.
Truth is I am turning thirty next time and I am no
longer a long-term student. It is time to move on from the rebel I once were
and become adult with everything it holds. I hope the future do have some rebellious
turns for me. Actually, I count on it. But for now, it would be good with a decent
income and on that road, I have to appear more serious and adult than my
piercing often led others to believe of me. Thus, the removal of it.
Despite the fact that I have come to terms with this specific
decision, there is a lot of memories and identity attached to this little ring.
Or, correction I have attached too much identity on that little ring. I always
thought that it drew attention away from my very large nose and that it looked
good on me. But, there is a time for everything. Once I was a rebel. Not
wearing what I was supposed to, as the good girl I was supposed to be. Having
an opinion different from those around me. Today I still carry that rebel in my
heart. She made me who I am today. Her attempts to push me to make the crazy
choices. The choices I usually was too afraid to make. Too scared of what
everyone else would think of me.
All of that in that tiny ring.
However, now I am ready to
move on. Make even crazier choices that involves bigger things than what part
of my body to pierce. I am ready to experience the world. Thus, the removal of
the one thing that keeps me in the past in order to embrace the future.
As I watched the Glee crew channel their senior year through music and cheesy ways of showing us all the story of how difficult making choices about the future can be, I realised that, that feeling is not reserved for all the youngsters choosing which direction one's education should take and what to become. The truth is despite already making all the choices and feeling that frustration which follows life-choices. Despite making through the education you have chosen, the feeling of being lost in yourself is still there afterwards. Or at least for some of us. Because then the choices regarding which career to pursue arrives. The doubt. What if I chose wrong? What if what once was the right choice in my heart is the opposite of what it wants today? And, by the way, who am I now without school, books and ambition of getting straight top-grades all the way through? - Which I by the way didn't.
I don't know where I am going. I don't know where I will end. I know that I on one side is safe. Whatever the future may hold I am strong. I know what I want. Or at least some of what I want (apparently having to do with anything else but a job) - and truth is, despite this being a completely out of the ordinary thing to say, a job is not going to define who I am. I am not going to let it.
Once, I had a dream. My dream was to finish my Masters Degree and write a thesis. Back then, I couldn't imagine actually completing it. Now, 18 days after I handed in my thesis I find myself in a bubble of disbelieve! I actually handed in a piece of work I had done which consisted of about 70-75 pages. Everything happened so fast I still can't quite grasp reality.
Yet, reality is; one dream have ended and the opportunity for new dreams to emerge have opened up. So what does the future hold? Well, I don't know. I hope I get to work with something I can be passionate about. I hope, I get a job through which I can channel my inner nerd.
However, a recent dream have emerged yet again and now I believe is the time to see if it can flourish and grow or if I should lay this one to rest and be content with things the way they are. I think it is time for me to pursue this a bit more.
Because, I have always wanted to write for a living. I have always wanted to be an author and for decades I have had this idea for a book-project I will finally pursue. It is time for me to do the necessary research and make all the ideas flourish to see if this might actually be possible for me.
I will never be the new J. K. Rowling, but we'll see if there might be enough space for another writer out there in the jungle of writers.
So that thesis, it is done! Delivered! I can't do anything more about it. Usually people get sort of, on-the-rooftop-screaming-happy, I just got scared.
What if I have handed in the wrong document? What if I flunk the thing? What if it is a peace of junk? What if I never get a job? It's the feeling of loosing half my identity that ran through my head when I pressed enter on my computer which would let my thesis fly through the "internet air" to my university.
Usually you should imagine that Queen follows you around singing "We are the champions" while chronically having your arms stuck up in the air. Instead a growing fear have developed to a stone in my stomach.
The future is a big, large, dark hole called Pete.
But for now, I just want my memory back - which I lost somewhere on the road towards writing my thesis...
On days like these, where the sun are shining, I have absolutely no concentration and cannot focus on my thesis, and I just want to eat ice-cream and bake cake, I dream away and wonder what the future may hold. Because, you see - in a month life as I knew it will change and a new life will begin. New and exciting adventures awaits, but I will have to say goodbye to a time in my life, that often have been a significant part of my identity: The study life. So instead of filling my mind with clouds of doubt, fear and low self-esteem (because honestly, this scares the shit out of me), I wonder what the first "luxury" thing I will buy, what I might be doing in my "holiday", and books I will read... And of course, I will share these lists with you:
1. DIY projects!
A ton of stuff have been staring in my face. Stuff that I would really like to do but haven't had the time to priorities. I love being artistic, but my Masters have been a tad time-consuming, so I look really forward to flash the canvases and get my artistic side out for again.
2. Sleep in late for a change..
...and not feel guilty for not opening a book or do something irresponsible...
3. Watch series AAAALL day long.
...and again not feeling guilty about it. If anyone knows about a job where you get paid to watch series, I am already highly qualified... Trust me... Guilty pleasures...
4. Make all the crazy food-projects and recipes I have found online!
...There are seriously a ton of stuff that I really want to try out or perfect. I have a few ideas for some glutenfree and Milkfree recipes for the blog, and having the time to actually do something about it will be amazing... Oh, and the money for it as well...
5. Concentrate on blogging a little.
It will be amazing to actually be able to focus a little on getting this blog up and running, and get some sense into this mess I have created. I am usually not a messy person, but when it comes to blogging I've figured out that I kind of am... Weird.. 6. Training
I have already begun. Training is what keeps me sane these days, but actually not having to skip workout for the sake of the thesis will be awesome... Also, the fact that I don't have schoolwork to do when I get home is going to give me a ton of freetime...
7. Travel a little (Germany, Maybe Norway, Sweden, London, Marocco)
For someone that have no money at all, it is a lot of traveling already, but I figure it will work out
somehow.. Traveling is life... So to say..
8. Finally actively join church and not just arrive on sundays
No more need to be said. My life have been sad. Thesis-sad. Thesis-great, but sad...
9. See people
...I have for a year now due to university-stuff neglected my friends. It is time to step out of the cave I call home and join the social life... It is rather sad that my thesis have become my best friend these days... Lonely and sad.
Oh, and just a little short cut..
THIS IS ME! I honestly didn't think I would become like this, BUT I HAVE....
10. Write something fictional...
I have a dream. A dream to become an author. I already have some ideas lined up and I will now, hopefully have some time to chase these dreams and be serious about it. I am writing something for my brother, a project about a possible rape and about a person with ten different identities. Actually, my mind palace is endless with fantastic stories of all different sort of feelings and I have bottled it up for too long now. Time to let it all out and see if others finds them interesting as well..
11. Uh.. And read a book for fun...
No need for further explanation. Though I am rather damaged in the sense that I do enjoy reading books on the subject of my master, but I will enjoy to choose what to read in the future... Even though I have managed to write my thesis and read 5 books that have had absolutely nothing to do with my thesis (Sherlock Holmes, the original). Never thought that would have been possible!
To be continued on another "dreamy day"... Oh, and please do share possible new adventures and things to do, when one is done and have some sparetime before big changes are going to happen.
