What the future may hold?

On days like these, where the sun are shining, I have absolutely no concentration and cannot focus on my thesis, and I just want to eat ice-cream and bake cake, I dream away and wonder what the future may hold. Because, you see - in a month life as I knew it will change and a new life will begin. New and exciting adventures awaits, but I will have to say goodbye to a time in my life, that often have been a significant part of my identity: The study life. So instead of filling my mind with clouds of doubt, fear and low self-esteem (because honestly, this scares the shit out of me), I wonder what the first "luxury" thing I will buy, what I might be doing in my "holiday", and books I will read... And of course, I will share these lists with you:

1. DIY projects! 
A ton of stuff have been staring in my face. Stuff that I would really like to do but haven't had the time to priorities. I love being artistic, but my Masters have been a tad time-consuming, so I look really forward to flash the canvases and get my artistic side out for again.

2. Sleep in late for a change.. 
...and not feel guilty for not opening a book or do something irresponsible...

3. Watch series AAAALL day long.
...and again not feeling guilty about it. If anyone knows about a job where you get paid to watch series, I am already highly qualified... Trust me... Guilty pleasures...

4. Make all the crazy food-projects and recipes I have found online!
...There are seriously a ton of stuff that I really want to try out or perfect. I have a few ideas for some glutenfree and Milkfree recipes for the blog, and having the time to actually do something about it will be amazing... Oh, and the money for it as well...

5. Concentrate on blogging a little.
It will be amazing to actually be able to focus a little on getting this blog up and running, and get some sense into this mess I have created. I am usually not a messy person, but when it comes to blogging I've figured out that I kind of am... Weird..

6. Training
I have already begun. Training is what keeps me sane these days, but actually not having to skip workout for the sake of the thesis will be awesome... Also, the fact that I don't have schoolwork to do when I get home is going to give me a ton of freetime...

7. Travel a little (Germany, Maybe Norway, Sweden, London, Marocco)
For someone that have no money at all, it is a lot of traveling already, but I figure it will work out
somehow.. Traveling is life... So to say..

8. Finally actively join church and not just arrive on sundays
No more need to be said. My life have been sad. Thesis-sad. Thesis-great, but sad...

9. See people
 ...I have for a year now due to university-stuff neglected my friends. It is time to step out of the cave I call home and join the social life... It is rather sad that my thesis have become my best friend these days... Lonely and sad.

Oh, and just a little short cut..

THIS IS ME! I honestly didn't think I would become like this, BUT I HAVE....

10. Write something fictional... 
I have a dream. A dream to become an author. I already have some ideas lined up and I will now, hopefully have some time to chase these dreams and be serious about it. I am writing something for my brother, a project about a possible rape and about a person with ten different identities. Actually, my mind palace is endless with fantastic stories of all different sort of feelings and I have bottled it up for too long now. Time to let it all out and see if others finds them interesting as well..

11. Uh.. And read a book for fun...
No need for further explanation. Though I am rather damaged in the sense that I do enjoy reading books on the subject of my master, but I will enjoy to choose what to read in the future... Even though I have managed to write my thesis and read 5 books that have had absolutely nothing to do with my thesis (Sherlock Holmes, the original). Never thought that would have been possible!

To be continued on another "dreamy day"... Oh, and please do share possible new adventures and things to do, when one is done and have some sparetime before big changes are going to happen.

A Whole New World

As I stepped outside from visiting my doctor, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. Not in the sense of, good memories of family-gatherings or memories of friends I care about, but of food. My mind ran through all my favorite food I suddenly couldn't eat: Irish coffee, all sorts of bread, whipped cream, candy, chips, Lemon-moon-cake or whatever that cake is called in english. My doctor had proclaimed that I might not suffer from astma, but gluten-intollerance. Apparently my lack of better physics wasn't because I had terrible lungs, however, I had been eating the wrong things all my life. And that's pretty much where she lost me. She might have been given me all sorts of relevant and necessary information, but I didn't hear a thing. I just sat there trying to figure out what on earth I was supposed to eat then? My first thought was that my life has ended. Which was partly right. My life as I knew it had ended. A new one was about to begin. 

What was previously a wish, suddenly became a reality - not by choice, but by force. My body has literally forced me into a healthier lifestyle. I am aware that there are other choices regarding unhealthy food, but I choose to see it as an opportunity to get healthy and change my habits which has been destroying my body and my self-image.

When my desire for junk becomes my self image.

"Today is going to be the day. The day of my new beginning."

This is how I begin my mornings; Thinking that today is the day I get rid of my need for unhealthy food. But then I laugh ironically at myself. Because at the end of the day nothing changes. At the end of the day when the darkness is closing in and my mind becomes dark and twisted. Those hours I remember, that my father aren't here anymore. I remember the feeling I have in me, because of the loss I've experienced. Or the feeling I get, when I stand in front of a mirror naked looking at my body. I hate every bid of it. I always have. Ever since I grew up and became adult I have hated my body. 

Not that I could ever consider stop eating altogether to loose weight. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to go through a grocery store and think of the lovely taste of the fruit and all what is healthy and not let the taste of the unhealthy food take over. Besides I love food TO MUCH to ever consider stop eating completely. 

It's not an addiction per ce. It's just the feeling I get when I have the taste in my mouth. I forget for a short moment how alone, unwanted, and unloved I actually feel. This is my fight. This has been a fight I've fought for a long time. I've just never told anyone. I've never spoken up about it. Because when I've tried, my very skinny friends have always told my how "they know how I feel, because they feel fat too" or "Oh no, you don't need to loose weight. You're soo skinny." But I feel a bit backstapped myself when I look at a graph which tells me, according to my weight and hight, that I am overweight (not critically). That's when the feeling of being misunderstood is put into the mixture of low self-esteem. I've worked too hard on my self-esteem to let this be another element in the mountain of selfimages I have to destroy. 

So what about the future? When I look in the mirror in the future, I don't want to see a model-like skinny girl. That will not satisfy me, because I know that will be the easy way out. The pictures of models on the internet or the commercials makes them look so unhealthy. So skinny. I don't want to look like that. I want to look healthy. Like someone who is working out regularly and eats well. 

Until now I've been able to stand my ground by dressing according to my size. I have become a bit of an expert in finding cloth I feel comfortable in and cloth that hides the parts of my body I'm not proud of. Which I guess is a good thing. But now I want to take the next step. 

I've therefore, bought access to a page on the internet, which is going to make me more conscious about what I eat. I already exercise regularly I just have to maintain that. So this is my lifealtering moment. 

About my more emotional and psychological side, I am going to spend time digging deeper into my own selfimages to find a way out of this, still remaining healthy both physically and mentally. 

One your marks - get set - GO!