Accepted, Loved and Peace

Today looking out the window, watching the movie "Heaven is for Real", and embracing my very real fear of the future I am about to enter into, I came to realise something. Growing up, I always tried to fit in. I tried to be what everyone else wanted me to be, so that I could be popular. Have the cool friends. But every time I tried, every time I failed horribly by feeling even more of a misfit than before. Whenever I tried to be something that I wasn't, I felt even more ridiculed than before. It felt like striving to become someone I wasn't did not have the outcome I wanted. It was only when I embraced me as I am that I could relax and strive. It was only then I felt free.

I remember the instances where an adult, getting to know me looked at me with disbelief and a laughter in their eyes, once they got to see who I was. I don't blame them. If I where them I probably would have done the same thing, looked upon myself the same way. But I don't envy their lives. I wouldn't want to keep placing that amount of pressure on myself as I used to.

I refuse to believe that I have to be what social conventions wants me to. I refuse to believe that I have to follow every social code this world has created to be free. I refuse to believe I have to listen to the right kind of music, see the right kind of movies, go the right kind of places and socialise the right kind of way in order to be me. I learned that people forcing upon me one kind of behaviour isn't worth the fight to convince they should stay friends with me. I am me. And it is not going to change. I am not going to stop watching Disney movies or go to church, just because it doesn't fit into the social code of the world I live in. All I wanted throughout my life was to be accepted. But it was not until I accepted myself, that I found peace.

I am always loved the way I am, with faults and all. So why should I change just because the rest of the world can't see it? Just because they have an idea of how I should be?