So. I'm one of those people. I have pretty much been single all my life. For little over two decades I have filled blogs, diaries, messages and random conversations with tales of possible crushes, sadness, sorrow and tears over the fact that I'm all alone in this world. I've watched on the sideline when my friends one by one was 'devoured' by the whole two-someness. Until I realised one day that me being single wasn't really a bad thing. For me what constituted the problem was the entire idea of being with somebody. Now, don't get me wrong. It is not like I'm going to let a possibility slide if it comes along. It's just that, all my life I've had this idea that life first began when I was in a relationship.
I grew up with christian friends and christian adults around me. It is not like my parents ever told me how I was supposed to live. They always told me that I needed to find my own way in this life. However, from the circles of people around me, I learned that 'true life' was when you in your teen years went to boarding school, met your true love and after some years married and lived the rest of your life with this man and the family you created together. I don't think that this worldview is meant to be created in a confused teen like I was back then when I was asked when I was going to introduce a boyfriend to them. As boarding school finished and the love of my life hadn't revealed itself, I began to question if I was normal at all. I didn't follow the schedule. I battled this feeling inside, that this life was the only way to live.
Somehow, I thought that being in a relationship was going to help me get back for all the times other people bullied or belittled me. I was so hollow inside. This endless, consuming hole inside my heart I only thought would be whole and healed when I found someone that could love me.
My father used to say, that love will come the day I am comfortable with being on my own. The day I accept that I will be able to be alone for the rest of my life, love will show up. That have lingered with me ever since. Made me think and question what I was truly seeking in a relationship? Was I truly ready for a relationship? In various ways I searched for an answer. I read books on marriage. I talked to people I trusted. And after years and years of picking up signs, truths about 'relationships' I realised that what I was looking for was not the truth. It was not going to heal me. It was not going to be the beginning of the life I wanted. I realised that the only way to heal the hole in my heart was to let go. To realise and accept, that I am not ready for the type of relationship I truly want. I am not ready for the consequences of it. The question I am probably going to battle with for the rest of my life is, whether or not I'm ever going to be ready. I realised that I didn't and don't need love from a significant other to confirm my worth.
Today, I love it when my friends find their significant other. I love to notice them grow together - even though this part of their relationships never is a dance on roses and fairytales for them. I love when a friend of mine chooses to marry his or her significant other. I love to be that friend on their "life-road" together. I love playing with their children and watch them grow and become little human beings. And I really, truly don't mind being "that single friend", because that is a role I have chosen whether my friends understand or not. I have found peace in me and in God, that this life might be the only type of life that I will have. I have realised that God meant for me to live my entire life as it began years ago and not as if it only begins when I am being married. If I don't end up in a relationship I truly, honestly don't mind. It doesn't bother me as much anymore. If a possible love interest do come along and become a part of my life, well. I guess I will take that experience with me as well. The main point is, that he will not be the solution to fixing what only God can fix in my life. He will be a nice addition to an already amazing life God has given me.
I do not write this blog to get your sympathy or compassion. I'm not blaming anyone with this blog. IF I blame anyone it is myself for taking so long to realise this. I write this blog for all the young single girls out there who count on love being the only thing to "fix" their life. It's not. Being single is hard at first. It takes a lot of tears. A lot of questions about yourself. But it can bring blessing as well - if you let it. The truth is that he or her will not help you get to know yourself. Only you can. It is not the end of life, being single. Life has already begun before you meet your significant other. So do yourself a favour. Feel every moments. The happiness. The joy. The sorrow. The pain. Even the times where you lay in bed in the dark crying to yourself.
All I'm saying is, that sometimes. The life you are told to be the right way to live, is not necessarily the right one for you. Sometimes Gods plans are different. So go live the life he gave you, instead of waiting for it to begin.
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