After a crazy day with 'limit-breaking' challenges, I crashed at home way past my bedtime. A thousand thoughts ran through my head. Mostly, proud of actually having done it, but also, what I eventually could do better next time. Because, I have to admit. I kind of like talking to people that are interested in what I love doing. Ok, let me rephrase; I love talking to people who have to listen, have to care and have to involve themselves. - And I was the one who swore that I would NEVER be a teacher as my mother. Somehow it seems to me to be the perfect job to force people to listen.
It began in my teen years. I found out that I had a slight depression. I knew something was wrong, when people around me expected me to be miserable, sad, tired and sluggish all the time. Every day. I proprably should have known about my depression when a guy in school told me that, "It is always great to come to school in a bad mood, because then I just look at you and I know someone is going through something worse".
As the analytical person that I am, I began to wonder. Why? Why is it that I am so mad. So sad. All the time. I couldn't go to new places - they made me scared. I was afraid of everything new. I was afraid of what new places, new experiences, new thoughts would do to me. How they would put me at display. Display my weaknesses. My faults.
So as I confessed my state of mind to my father, he looked at me and asked, "What is the craziest thing you can think of, the one thing that scares you the most, but you really want to experience?" And I answered: "the Roskilde Festival". I was scared. Saying it out loud. I just really wanted to go. But it was that one thing that scared me the most. My father ordered me to buy tickets right away. Which I did. And that summer I cured my slight depression by being the only sober girl at Roskilde Festival - and I was happy. Happier than I had ever been. I knew that I could do whatever I wanted.
Since, I have asked myself that one question. What scares you right now - at this moment? What is it that stands in the way for you to feel good about yourself? And then I sought it. Did it.
Sometimes I have sought the challenge, other times I needed a friendly push in the right direction. However, in my search for challenges, I have come to realise, that living in the shadow of fear in some sense was a side effect of the insecurity I had in myself. A long time passed where my insecurity still had a toll in me but slowly it faded away as I challenged myself and found out what I could and could not do. What I liked. What I didn't like.
Today, I believe in myself. I honestly don't really care what people think about me. On my path of challenges I do not allow myself to mentally stand still in the same self-pity. In the same place of mental state. That same place that created that deep, dark, hole of quicksand called depression. I have found that I am good enough as I am. I am cared for. I am loved.
Because in the end. We are all cared for. We are all loved.
And do those people who love us for who we are, not deserve to see us live the life we have, develop the people we are to be better? Do we not owe that to ourselves?
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