"Today is going to be the day. The day of my new beginning."
This is how I begin my mornings; Thinking that today is the day I get rid of my need for unhealthy food. But then I laugh ironically at myself. Because at the end of the day nothing changes. At the end of the day when the darkness is closing in and my mind becomes dark and twisted. Those hours I remember, that my father aren't here anymore. I remember the feeling I have in me, because of the loss I've experienced. Or the feeling I get, when I stand in front of a mirror naked looking at my body. I hate every bid of it. I always have. Ever since I grew up and became adult I have hated my body.
Not that I could ever consider stop eating altogether to loose weight. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to go through a grocery store and think of the lovely taste of the fruit and all what is healthy and not let the taste of the unhealthy food take over. Besides I love food TO MUCH to ever consider stop eating completely.
It's not an addiction per ce. It's just the feeling I get when I have the taste in my mouth. I forget for a short moment how alone, unwanted, and unloved I actually feel. This is my fight. This has been a fight I've fought for a long time. I've just never told anyone. I've never spoken up about it. Because when I've tried, my very skinny friends have always told my how "they know how I feel, because they feel fat too" or "Oh no, you don't need to loose weight. You're soo skinny." But I feel a bit backstapped myself when I look at a graph which tells me, according to my weight and hight, that I am overweight (not critically). That's when the feeling of being misunderstood is put into the mixture of low self-esteem. I've worked too hard on my self-esteem to let this be another element in the mountain of selfimages I have to destroy.
So what about the future? When I look in the mirror in the future, I don't want to see a model-like skinny girl. That will not satisfy me, because I know that will be the easy way out. The pictures of models on the internet or the commercials makes them look so unhealthy. So skinny. I don't want to look like that. I want to look healthy. Like someone who is working out regularly and eats well.
Until now I've been able to stand my ground by dressing according to my size. I have become a bit of an expert in finding cloth I feel comfortable in and cloth that hides the parts of my body I'm not proud of. Which I guess is a good thing. But now I want to take the next step.
I've therefore, bought access to a page on the internet, which is going to make me more conscious about what I eat. I already exercise regularly I just have to maintain that. So this is my lifealtering moment.
About my more emotional and psychological side, I am going to spend time digging deeper into my own selfimages to find a way out of this, still remaining healthy both physically and mentally.
One your marks - get set - GO!
